I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
