So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
