I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
