Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
