I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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