Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
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I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
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I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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