We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
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I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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