Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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