For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
