1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Randomize
