I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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