Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
