Kiss
Puke
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
