you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
