Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
