remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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