The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
