I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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