you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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