I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
