Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
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So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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