i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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