Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
