Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I will pee on everything he values.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
