my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
