DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
