I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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