Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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