I like my sex mixed with concussions.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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