You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
