You can't special order awesome
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
