Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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