she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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