He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
