Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
