How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
