if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
