Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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