I feel like I'm in dance class right now
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
