I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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