Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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