it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
