my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
