How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
