I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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