I didn't shave. On purpose
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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