Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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