im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
