we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
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Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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