dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Damn victory sex feels great
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
