please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
how does that bad decision feel?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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