There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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