maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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