If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
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There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
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I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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